This blog begins with its author (that’s me!) at an
in-between stage in her life. For the past 10 years, my work as an academic has
given my life a clear direction and focus. It also gave me a sense of
accomplishment and stimulation until . . . it didn’t. I just stopped enjoying
it after a while—all except the teaching, which I loved. I was unhappy for
several years but ignored all the warning signs that I should quit because: 1)
I had worked so long and hard to get where I was 2) I kept telling myself things
would get better/easier (they didn’t) 3) It seemed like the only thing I was
remotely qualified to do and 4) I was scared as hell of trying something new,
even though the narrow path I was on was clearly taking me nowhere I wanted to
be.
The phrases “not enough joy in it” and “not my tribe” kept
rattling around my brain, I had recurring nightmares, and still I ignored my
intuition until my body and subconscious mind colluded to shut me down. [Mental
image: My subconscious yells “We’re shutting this one down!” across a noisy
boiler room to my body who shouts back, “Copy that!” and flips the main power
switch to “Off.”] Enter a soul crushing
lethargy that had me sleeping 12 hours a day and craving a nap the rest of the
time. I had to ply myself with caffeine from dawn to dusk just to stay awake
and to simulate a modicum of interest in my life. Yes, this is clearly
depression (more on that another time) but it is not an “out of nowhere” purely
chemical thing. For me, at this juncture, the message was pretty
unambiguous. Time to get a move on,
little sister.
So here we are. I’ve made the leap and am currently waiting
for my net to appear. I’m working hard to stay focused on my writing, building
my routine and self-discipline in increments, like working to strengthen a
muscle. But I still don’t know how this is going to go. The not knowing, for
me, is very very uncomfortable. But I’m trying to let myself feel excited, too.
For so many years I have done everything I can to avoid this uncertainty. Now
I’ve gone and done what I was most afraid to do and guess what? I’m still
breathing.
Enough! You’re probably thinking. What’s this blog about anyway? What’s it got for me?
My vision for this blog is to explore how to deal with the
uncomfortable, messy, in-between aspects of our lives—the ones in which we have
no idea where we are going or how things are going to work out.
This blog is about my quest to let go of my perfectionism,
and to learn how to tolerate MESS—my own, my loved ones’, and the general mess
of humanity. But ultimately, I suspect, tolerance is not enough. I need to
learn how to LOVE the squalor, even as I try to tidy up.
This blog will explore:
·
How to look for and find beauty everywhere—even
in a dirty overpass or sweaty city bus.
·
How to find value in what our culture
traditionally ignores or devalues.
·
How to learn to accept life’s perpetual
untidiness—physical, emotional, interpersonal and ethical.
·
How to start and finish creative projects; how
to build tolerance and even affection for messy states of incompletion, even
while committing to getting things done.
·
How to learn to invest fully in the process of
creation while letting go of the outcome.
·
How to overcome procrastination—another symptom
of perfectionism’s impatience with process—not by holding its head underwater
until it stops struggling—but by making friends with that timid, cowardly part
of ourselves that wants to run from effort and uncertainty.
·
How crisis, confusion and difficulty play an
essential part in the learning process and in making us who we are meant to be.
·
How to handle the everyday demons of anxiety and
depression with patience and a lighthearted touch.
Join me in this exploration and perhaps we can learn
together.
