With Love and Squalor

This blog begins with its author (that’s me!) at an in-between stage in her life. For the past 10 years, my work as an academic has given my life a clear direction and focus. It also gave me a sense of accomplishment and stimulation until . . . it didn’t. I just stopped enjoying it after a while—all except the teaching, which I loved. I was unhappy for several years but ignored all the warning signs that I should quit because: 1) I had worked so long and hard to get where I was 2) I kept telling myself things would get better/easier (they didn’t) 3) It seemed like the only thing I was remotely qualified to do and 4) I was scared as hell of trying something new, even though the narrow path I was on was clearly taking me nowhere I wanted to be.

The phrases “not enough joy in it” and “not my tribe” kept rattling around my brain, I had recurring nightmares, and still I ignored my intuition until my body and subconscious mind colluded to shut me down. [Mental image: My subconscious yells “We’re shutting this one down!” across a noisy boiler room to my body who shouts back, “Copy that!” and flips the main power switch to “Off.”]  Enter a soul crushing lethargy that had me sleeping 12 hours a day and craving a nap the rest of the time. I had to ply myself with caffeine from dawn to dusk just to stay awake and to simulate a modicum of interest in my life. Yes, this is clearly depression (more on that another time) but it is not an “out of nowhere” purely chemical thing. For me, at this juncture, the message was pretty unambiguous.  Time to get a move on, little sister.

So here we are. I’ve made the leap and am currently waiting for my net to appear. I’m working hard to stay focused on my writing, building my routine and self-discipline in increments, like working to strengthen a muscle. But I still don’t know how this is going to go. The not knowing, for me, is very very uncomfortable. But I’m trying to let myself feel excited, too. For so many years I have done everything I can to avoid this uncertainty. Now I’ve gone and done what I was most afraid to do and guess what? I’m still breathing.

Enough! You’re probably thinking. What’s this blog about anyway? What’s it got for me?

My vision for this blog is to explore how to deal with the uncomfortable, messy, in-between aspects of our lives—the ones in which we have no idea where we are going or how things are going to work out.

This blog is about my quest to let go of my perfectionism, and to learn how to tolerate MESS—my own, my loved ones’, and the general mess of humanity. But ultimately, I suspect, tolerance is not enough. I need to learn how to LOVE the squalor, even as I try to tidy up.

This blog will explore:

·      How to look for and find beauty everywhere—even in a dirty overpass or sweaty city bus. 

·      How to find value in what our culture traditionally ignores or devalues.

·      How to learn to accept life’s perpetual untidiness—physical, emotional, interpersonal and ethical.

·      How to start and finish creative projects; how to build tolerance and even affection for messy states of incompletion, even while committing to getting things done.

·      How to learn to invest fully in the process of creation while letting go of the outcome.

·      How to overcome procrastination—another symptom of perfectionism’s impatience with process—not by holding its head underwater until it stops struggling—but by making friends with that timid, cowardly part of ourselves that wants to run from effort and uncertainty.

·      How crisis, confusion and difficulty play an essential part in the learning process and in making us who we are meant to be.

·      How to handle the everyday demons of anxiety and depression with patience and a lighthearted touch.

Join me in this exploration and perhaps we can learn together.